tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66369236067946839352024-02-19T02:21:15.393-08:00think more therefore speak with colorkitties everywhereJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-36957031605255969202012-11-27T20:57:00.001-08:002012-11-27T20:57:28.632-08:00retrospective introspective<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
oh man. it's been a while. a long while. i've just wasted a good amount of time on going through this blog and reminiscing about all the shit it chronicles. i havent posted on this thing in a year or so, and oddly enough, i always seem to return to my little corner of the internet in the winter time.<br />
2010. it's strange to look back on that time. so much has changed, and i mean that goes without saying, but the realization really struck me hard as i was reading through these pages. my future seems to exclude all that went down. thank heavens. i think its necessary to point out (for my own benefit, obviously,) that despite the emotional pain i was put through in the summer of 2010, it was an immense learning experience, and my life is better in part thanks to it.<br />
<br />
well i guess i gotta go do homework.<br />
just in parting, if i ever see this place again, i want it to be up here for the record..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
my life kicks ass right now. hahahahaha</div>
Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-84421253444141580732011-06-01T22:22:00.000-07:002011-06-01T22:22:02.708-07:00the color returns..<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">this is fantastic. im at such a great time of my life. an angel has entered, and made it all more bearable. and fresh, exciting, fun, exhilarating. <br />
<br />
beautiful.<br />
<br />
<br />
not flawless.<br />
<br />
but amazing....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i feel a constant high. an irreversible, wondrous daze; but not the synthetic, rough kind. not the kind that drains you of mental and physical faculty. one that fills you up, makes you strong and ready to live to the fullest. this is a different kind of substance; a delicate balance of atmosphere and mood and feeling that is received through the sharing of happiness.<br />
<br />
<br />
it's all so much to take in. everytime i'm with you, i feel soaked in thoughts and tries and feelings and words. but none of these thoughts are shameful, none of the words wrong, none of the feelings in vain, and none of the tries have failed..<br />
<br />
i count myself among the lucky individuals who have experienced purity and raw happiness. i can't tell how long this will last, but i know for sure i'm going to do my best to keep it healthy and fresh as time goes on.<br />
<br />
you're too valuable to waste with carelessness.<br />
<br />
(:</div>Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-89786512305862153912011-05-06T22:42:00.000-07:002011-05-06T22:42:49.636-07:00hello againhmmm... so many memories in this blog. so many. it's odd, really; this blog was created as a method of coping with a troubled time in my life, something that seems so distant from the sunny todays. i hadn't posted on this in a couple months.. it's odd to come back. oddly welcoming. i know no one reads this, but it's here, and it's proud of itself. not really.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-78732336295191564562010-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:002010-12-08T17:34:22.243-08:00sonnetIf I can take a step towards the goal<br />
And shake the hand of future times to come<br />
Ignore the reservations that you stole<br />
And take the time to see to where I run<br />
Forget all lost emotions from the past<br />
(Of love, the likes of which was never seen)<br />
For all these thoughts that I’ve amassed<br />
They take a greater toll than what may seem<br />
You too can let your mind remain at ease<br />
And take a square of joy for many lives<br />
Recall what you would never want to see<br />
And you can learn to think outside the lines<br />
In several hours you will be with us<br />
If you can learn to love who you mistrust<br />
<br />
Jake Martin<br />
12/7/10Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-4152252683275087922010-12-08T17:33:00.001-08:002010-12-08T17:33:30.355-08:00the managementMGMT were absolutely ridiculous. November 4th was the best concert I have ever gone to. Absolutely beautiful. Haha I don't even have words to describe it. You had to be there.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-45065044885001965472010-09-21T18:52:00.001-07:002010-09-21T18:52:36.594-07:00FUCK OFFJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-48513362333711810362010-09-17T22:14:00.000-07:002010-09-17T22:15:28.575-07:00an island of stupidity, again, again, again....i will back off. why im saying this, i dont have the faintest idea, but i think i should back off. i guess i just want to jump at the opportunity at having you back next to me, and im forgetting about what matters. take from it what you will.<br /><br />i will back off. i promise.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-1511010649026192392010-09-08T17:58:00.000-07:002010-09-08T18:03:16.344-07:00hmmmclarity of mind escapes me. you need to get out of my head.. i think about you too much, and you always let me down. the only thing for certain at this point is that you will be a disappointment to me. youre sending me mixed signals.. its pissing me off. :(<br /><br />stop. leave me alone.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-25920331674404459872010-08-05T22:12:00.000-07:002010-08-05T22:26:47.997-07:00distancea current sweeps me away, a current of people, a current of thoughts, emotions, all intertwined with each other, none of which should make the slightest difference to me in my daily life.<br /> and they dont, for the most part..<br /><br />well, no, that's a lie. <br /><br />when i think about it for too long, i start to realize that my brain feels like it is full of grime and dirt, things that cannot be washed away, as if a clever child, equipped with some kind of truly permanent marker, decided to scribble things all over the walls of my mind...... what?<br /><br /> shit i got lost in my own simile.<br />anyway.<br />....<br />...<br />..<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /><br />-----<br /><br />distance is key<br />well, not just any key<br />distance is practically THE key<br />to an apparently happier life.<br /><br /><br /><br />ok fuck that, i just saw something that made me feel like a complete idiot.<br /><br />ferget it bro<br /><br />see you around, in eider dawn, at the end of the tunnel, through the door, on the other side.<br /> or right here.<br /><br />-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-<br /><br />"brother you don't need to turn me away"Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-82837008753101495502010-07-21T23:30:00.000-07:002010-07-21T23:35:07.312-07:00restrictions/restrictedstuck inside a limbo<br />the never ending gasp<br />the fallow lips of life meet the harsh sting of reality<br /><br />left inside my veins<br />to grow and develop into life<br />then to travel to my heart where the process is completed<br /><br />i feel trapped beneath a<br />beautiful layer of ice on top a creek<br />the puzzling surface, so light, fragile, yet constricting and scalding<br /><br />starting over, not a difficult task<br />yet for some reason taken to the extreme<br />you need not apologize, or make sense for once because<br />that would defeat its own purpose<br />a “c” and a colon, is all it takes to make today seem brighter<br />as if the old pg pulled up in his own private sun<br />a false pretense<br />a piece of paper<br />a drink<br />laminar flow, the two words that enter my mind every time<br />no matter what you tell yourself, it will always be you who’s getting used<br /><br />sting and love<br />were you erring on the side of caution?<br />when i make it up, and even though the future reflects itself<br />i have no mirror to communicate<br />to another man<br /><br />reality melts into shapes<br />that do not exist in conventional geometry<br />the spirit leaves the atmosphere above and around<br />and to cut the heart, to let loneliness leave you be<br /><br />it seems to make the soul happier when mine is around<br />and all of mine will always feel the glow within the soul<br />yet the other one is getting priority over all of mine and it will not let mine sleep<br />well, it will, but the sleep will be restless<br />self defeating<br />as is everything these days<br /><br />--------<br /><br />so yes, i pulled a total dumbass move today. apparently i went to get coffee with my newly adopted sister under false pretenses.<br /><br />oops.<br /><br />well, at least it wasnt a huge deal, just got one of those speeches. but it wasnt that bad, my parents make me happy, they are really great about stuff like that.<br /><br />even though when i went to get coffee, i never thought id be getting tea instead.<br /><br />----<br /><br />im going to see mgmt in november, im psyched.<br /><br />destrokk has the best video on the face of the planet ;DJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-10450840248939624472010-07-10T11:45:00.000-07:002010-07-10T11:55:08.406-07:00redirectstormy ocean water and the name of your love<br />started up my engine and became a white dove<br />over it and lost again<br />distracted cause youre under him<br /><br />when the ethereal fist hits the smallest part<br />and the lifeless crystal river floats me back<br />to sea<br />to see<br />again<br /><br />your face turns sour<br />and the irony thats left<br />turns into a flower<br />with the insulting speed of theft<br /><br />-----------------------<br /><br />a few months down the road, who knows what could happen? but if the tragedy does hit, i wont put myself so low as to remain to clean up the results.. if thats what is expected of me, then forget it.<br /><br />kill me, you know you want toJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-40788559591624301492010-07-01T22:39:00.000-07:002010-07-01T23:02:44.246-07:00your heart is under my tonguesomething that has been bothering me recently is that you seem to be different. for some reason, youre like a completely new person. now, i dont know if its just now something im starting to notice, something thats been there all along; or if you really did change into something unpleasant... i hope its the former, but really i hope its neither, that im just delusional or tired or pissed off or something, because i wouldnt be happy if either were true.<br /><br /> but, then again, why does it matter?<br /><br />----------------<br /><br />theres this fucking huge disconnect that people have from reality. its like everybody is acting in such a phony and calculating manner that they dont have time to live, and to realize whats happening... looking through photos makes me think about when and under what circumstances they were taken, and i notice that usually im not there for the picture, but for the moment. sounds like a god damn cliché, but its true, i promise.<br /><br />------<br /><br />it is rather late. well, not really, but apparently im about as fucking tired as i can get, yet im still not asleep. i feel like a two faced bastard when i talk to her, cause i cant make up my god damn mind about, well, anything. i want these people to disappear, but at the same time i know i would have a very difficult time getting by without them. the scars that have built up over the years, the assumptions, all that crap.. i cant understand how anyone turns out alright.<br /><br />build a wall, i suppose.<br /><br />i dont have any god damn bricks.<br /><br />-<br /><br />oh wells..Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-18530464705632174742010-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:002010-06-29T08:04:41.305-07:00welcome home, assholethank you. im glad to be back. and the one thing i was looking forward to the most has left me just as i return.<br /><br />too bad i didnt know this would happen, or i would have probably stayed there for a lot longer. oh well.. its life and it goes on, even though an important part of it is no longer there. and, quite ironically, thats the one thing we said we wouldnt let happen. i guess when you start getting pissed off at someone for something thats not even remotely their fault, things get slightly out of hand.<br /><br />and no, you dont "love me way too much"<br /><br />sorry for being an asshole to you and starting to date someone while you were gone for a month...<br /><br />oh, wait..Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-38152568925352746412010-06-28T22:24:00.001-07:002010-06-28T22:24:41.147-07:00so close and even farther awayi want nothing with this<br />i just need to think<br />what i want and what i please<br />wont keep me in the ring<br /><br />someone listens to me<br />they jump to help me out<br />but no one's ever told me, oh<br />just what it's all about<br /><br />the wind has lost its power now you dont know what to do<br />the motor chokes, and i do too, and all that thanks to you<br />we got the strength and we got the time<br />stupid little fights and wasted rhyme<br /><br />when the sun rose i was tired, i was fried<br />but then my thoughts overwhelmed me<br />cause i thought that i had tried<br />lost, and found, then torn up into pieces<br />sold off to all the little kids<br />who never could handle things like this<br /><br />held up by the sturdy beams that will not ever crack<br />focused on the irony<br />and tired paper stack<br />im free to be as angry as i seem<br />tell yourself its not your fault<br />but you dont know what that means<br /><br />you might forget yourself and i can live with that<br />your face is upside down and your actions defy math<br />but walking in without closing the door?<br />part of me wants you under the floorJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-7399782859449966722010-06-26T14:26:00.001-07:002010-06-26T14:35:08.212-07:00take me in and dry the rainhalf an hour till midnight.. it doesnt seem that late at all. i kinda feel like its the middle of the day, except its dark outside... i mean, the difference between midnight and midday is only 12 hours. i wonder what everything is like back home. i wonder if i will even be able to get a hold of you.. i hope so.<br /><br />shes an angel, really. if there was one reason for me to stay somewhere for ever, it would be she.. this is what my face looks like just thinking about all this --> :D<br /><br />hahaha, that would be fantastic.<br /><br />anyway... wonderment aside, i really had a good time here. it always feel like its going to be such a long time when you first arrive, but then about half way you start to realize how fuckin fast its going.<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />and unfortunately, no matter what our mind might think, time doesnt in fact run faster.<br />things still manage to screw up.<br /><br />i need a drill now, i suppose. i thought i wanted answers, but now i really just want a signal, some sort of confirmation that we will in fact start something. something that is genuine, because youre too wonderful to waste like that. i need you now, or at least i really want you, and right here next to me would be fantastic.<br />too bad your phone is broken, cause you would be receiving a call from someone at around 7pm tomorrow.<br /><br />but, alas, as with everything else, all i can say is<br /><br />oh well.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-90435519260255009622010-06-26T10:11:00.000-07:002010-06-26T10:33:30.263-07:00grass. oh, so much grasswell... tooday was an odd day. im a bit down, but my mind feels liberated, once again. and no thanks to anything, really. first half, great; second half, not so great, and im tired, but you know.. i dont really care.<br /><br />tomorrow at 2 pm gmt-1. that is the time that hands itself to me and pulls me in.. when i walk through the gate. or, in other words, the time my flight leaves, or something thereabouts. im excited, although i wouldnt mind staying here a little bit longer. i got used to it and im happy here as well.<br /><br />im not gonna think about what i have been thinking about recently.<br /><br />--------------<br /><br />there's a reason i don't win, i don't know how to begin<br /><br />and that's all folks.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_VqC0_1Cd79VJe8WTJ5HXdmVrDqbKvk7ayUe6Tx11Pvvzk9P9CcDnPrDLGUYIZWf_k4d8VX20gUyZvBm_6OP5OUvrIrqW5KLJtI8CrH29Knq5ySdr_Ea2yWx2tff7Brb6ymEBwc1dCvA/s1600/Sn%C3%ADmek.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_VqC0_1Cd79VJe8WTJ5HXdmVrDqbKvk7ayUe6Tx11Pvvzk9P9CcDnPrDLGUYIZWf_k4d8VX20gUyZvBm_6OP5OUvrIrqW5KLJtI8CrH29Knq5ySdr_Ea2yWx2tff7Brb6ymEBwc1dCvA/s320/Sn%C3%ADmek.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5487136306025336162" /></a>Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-71307817340812906882010-06-26T10:06:00.000-07:002010-06-26T10:09:05.330-07:00animatorpoeiawhat was here is not here anymore<br />the right to wage a million dollar war<br />while walking in the daytime through a morgue<br />what we might want or need and what's in store<br /> <br />leaving me like that, it isn't very nice<br />killing someone's a sure way to break the ice<br />when we float on by we sing our hymnals slow<br /> <br />mentally and physically im strong<br />accused of something that i cant affect<br />your bible is all hollowed out to store<br />all of your seeds of life and stark white wrong<br /> <br />your diction is mysterious your eyes an open book<br />thank my god for will and all the time it took<br />a climb is not too hard when youre not used to flat ground<br />stupid little kids they never understand it<br />the sidewalk burns when i am full of madness<br />then it ends and i will fall forever on<br /> <br />priceless is the face thats on my shirt<br />a mirror that reflects and nothing else<br />were we all alone when we first met<br />or was it a trap<br />was it a trap<br /> <br />if i know what ive been told<br />take a bullet to the soul<br />the soul of endings that begin<br />we are sorry to pull you in<br /> <br />if i know what ive been told<br />took a bullet in my soul<br />party on and when youre thin<br />i am happy to do you in<br /><br />-----<br /><br />hellooJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-40405402222014295552010-06-24T17:05:00.000-07:002010-06-24T17:14:50.132-07:00why not?im jealous of all the people i see that have had a month of nothing but happiness.. i envy those whose lives arent virtually falling apart, those who havent had a month of separation that has apparently ruined everything they have worked for over the past few months. and why shouldnt it bother me? im not blaming them for my problems or anything. im happy for them.<br /><br />im a broken record, i keep talking about the same thing.<br />but why not?<br />come and interrupt my tape loop, reset the cd player, and start me over, cause i want to be done with this. i hope that when i return, the commercial break will be over, finally. we can go back to normal. for now, you can ignore me all you want.<br /><br />----------<br /><br />the thing i would want the least, though, is for you, in the end, to come off as a hypocrite. really, for your sake, i would be careful. because the same things that you were wary of with me at first are the same things that are now disrupting our "relationship" to a great degree. i apologize to the kid before me for, to him, being the kid after me. just cause it's you, calliope, doesnt mean you get a free pass.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-29195799980377074832010-06-24T16:55:00.000-07:002010-06-24T17:05:46.938-07:00sharp on the edgesi made a promise, once a long time ago, or, a relatively long time ago. before i knew you were so broken as to be manipulated so easily while knowing what youre doing is wrong. the things you are telling him now are what you have been telling me all along. and if you really care for me as much as you say, if you care for me so much more than him, why is it that i feel that youve just completely exited my life? your recent writing makes me feel like i have been blind.. its just so obvious. if you have the right to do this, i have the same right. just be glad i havent exercised this yet. actually, you probably couldnt care less. only one thing left to say..<br /><br />go and fucking drown in your self-pity.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-33222833893190880472010-06-24T16:39:00.000-07:002010-06-24T17:20:59.019-07:00the list list and tales of freefallthere are lists<br />to do lists<br />email lists<br />shopping lists<br />pointless lists<br />no reason<br />just arbitrary lists<br />and bucket lists<br />(if you're ambitious)<br />also<br />subscriber lists<br />roll call lists<br />with names<br />a phone book<br />that's a list, isn't it?<br />then there are lists that go on for miles<br />just for ever<br />confusing lists<br />lists in foreign languages<br />lists of instruments<br />lists of accomplishments<br />lists of places in the world<br />periodical table, the list of the elements<br /><br />hit lists<br />(let's not stay too long)<br />and then lists like this one<br />pointless lists that list other lists<br /><br />----<br /><br />sweet.. i dont know, i mean, i was happy with it at the time, but i have a feeling that if i was to sit down right now and write it again i would have something more powerful.<br /><br />or something that is completely empty of meaning.<br /><br />im getting cabin fever from being here too long. im ready to go home.. not even for the reasons you think. that, too, but im not talking about that anymore, cause its no use. the air is getting heavy, even outside, even when a stiff breeze blows by.. im ready to get back into my environment, back to my life.<br /><br />the discovery channel is fun to watch, cause right now its showing part of downtown houston blowing up, and its not fake either; sucks for anyone that was in that building. acetylene apparently blows up fantastically when mixed with the right amount of oxygen.. hmm, my imagination runs amok when i think about the beautiful, colorless gas mixing with oxygen at the precise place that i am right now. the flames lick the sky as my spirit is consumed in the endless, ever-expanding inferno. but that's, essentially and figuratively, what's happening right now, except my body isnt part of the burning equation....<br />ok so this dude is entangled in a parachute as he's falling through the air at many miles a second.. happily for him, he untangled the parachute and landed safely. another happy ending; i wonder what he told his wife that evening when she asked him about his day. hahahaJakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-24519735267218076112010-06-24T16:14:00.000-07:002010-06-24T16:33:03.580-07:00the rule of holesbeing exhausted physically and mentally makes me feel like on really strong drugs, with the difference that i dont feel boundless. its kind of like being in an open minefield, where you could go anywhere, but you also know that your next step will throw you up into the air. the mines, in my case, are the things i say late at night when im in my state of being emotional and hopeless. one misstep will throw the whole fucking planet up in glorious flames, and my world will only exist in the hostile iciness, yet boundless freedom of interstellar space. i will be set into motion and drift forever, on past stars and planets, until i will be brought right back where i started, since space bends in a way that's impossible to imagine.. i could float and let the current take me where the water's crystal clear.<br /><br />the time and effort put into this is still worth it, but so far i have been getting a slap in the face and an apology all at the same time. i told you i would wait for as long as i had to, and i have.. and yet you ask me if i thought you would stay sober in dating. i honestly dont know what to say to a person who has simultaneously acted incredibly loving and incredibly ungrateful. i suppose the paradoxes and ironies are what make you so interesting, but at the same time, cool it. i'll wait and stay here until this blows over, because, apparently, thats all im good for: waiting and being there for you. peace out man.<br /><br />-----------------<br /><br />line break, DUDE!<br /><br />honesty is a handicap, i understand that.<br />a standing ovation, just tip your hat.<br />and that<br />that, my friends,<br />is how it ends.<br /><br />maybe we can be like a pair of contrasts!! i'll still be what i am, you stay the course. of course, of course.. stop while youre ahead, my dear. you know what the rule of holes is?? when youre in one, STOP DIGGING.<br />return to me, for a little while at least. i would appreciate it if you could tell me what happened, or at least made an effort to make things like they were. at the end of this, i think that one of us is going to be fucked over, and i really hope its he rather than i.<br /><br />oh, and, for the love of god, stop digging.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-71132836300826758552010-06-24T06:42:00.000-07:002010-06-24T13:04:49.044-07:00one inch at at time and you'll be just fineyour heart is gold, and im honored to be able to witness and be one of those affected by it's pure glow. thank you.<br />im surprised how people's opinions of one another can change so drastically depending on their situations. it's kinda sad really, because it says something very deep about human nature or whatever.. or about myself, par exemple. i guess i always have the same feelings about people, no matter what happens. my apparent change in feelings is most likely caused by the fact that circumstances change.<br /><br />and thats unfortunate.<br /><br />i dont want you out of my life at all. i want you to be a part of it as much as possible. you are one of my support beams, and i have been unfair to you in the past.. and that's an understatement.<br /><br />-----<br /><br />step by step is on. i love old american sitcoms dubbed into the czech language.<br />it's kinda funny, for all different reasons than the original.<br /><br />im kinda sad today turned out the way it did.. i really wanted to go chill with Klára... dammit, i have failed once again. i dont know why this kind of stuff happens to me so much. perhaps it's because i let it get to me much more than other people do. anyway..<br /><br />facebook, formspring, and livejournal will all be the emotional death of me, sooner or later. is it like the coin thing i wrote about earlier, where we assign deep, artificial meanings to things that dont matter that much?<br /><br />it's annoying to realize that whatever you mean apparently contradicts all you write about on livejournal or formspring.. how can i make up my mind if you give me the pretty truth up front, and all the rest of the unabridged crap is hidden away in your figurative turns of phrase, that i can freely read and make my own, hopefully false, explanations? thanks to these kinds of methods of communication, we have lost an element of honesty and, to an extent, the meaning of things we shouldnt know about. in an age of subtly dropping hints that make huge differences, we dont speak anymore, and only derrive our own meanings.; if i need to know something, i can go to LJ or FS for my answers, which is honestly a load of bullshit.<br /><br />also, you didnt answer my melodramatic message from last night. i need to pace myself or you really <em>will</em> stop caring about me..<br /><span style="font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">dun dun dun duuun</span>Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-24142877394542762112010-06-23T15:51:00.000-07:002010-06-23T15:55:09.639-07:00pretty much.. well my mind is running on empty now. im waiting for you. come on now, you can do it; assuming you even want to talk to me, that is. or if you could care less..<br /><br />the question is on the tip of my tongue, the answer lies in my mind, yet i am terrified to hear it coming out of your own mouth, undeniably confirming all my doubts.<br /><br />it makes me miss people that i can count on. it really does..<br /><br />and it makes me remember that i thought you were one of these people as well.<br />i was wrong??<br /><br />pretty much<br /><br />----------<br /><br />yawn.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-58123547865649593542010-06-23T15:03:00.001-07:002010-06-23T15:04:28.838-07:00spidersthe music video for "lullaby" by the cure brings to mind michael jackson's is this it from hell.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6636923606794683935.post-83342938946648973652010-06-23T14:35:00.000-07:002010-06-23T14:56:06.529-07:00sparkleyturns out the only thing that can calm me down isnt a cigarette or a few fat bowls. i have writing of course. which is why ive been writing maniacally for the past 30 minutes.<br /><br />my dad wants to have a bonfire for all my friends to come over and have a good ol time. i love my friends, but im afraid if i invite them all over, a huge fight will break out over some nonsense.. thats why i love my friends ;)<br /><br />im shaking. not cause of nicotine withdrawal or whatever, just cause im really fucked up on my own condition right now. which makes me sad in a way. however self pity is a boring topic, so lets switch to something else.<br /><br />----------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />you know how people binge-eat or binge-drink?? well fuck them, im binge writing. hahahhaha saying that makes me feel really stupid and sound pretensious.<br /><br />my mental muscle is getting stronger, im glad the brain isnt a muscle and that thoughts dont produce lactic acid, because the pain of that would SUCK.<br /><br />why does this bother me more than it should? or am i perhaps setting my standards too low?<br /><br />or, on the flip side, am i setting them too high? sure seems like it from my vantage point. your kind of behavior is BO-RING.<br /><br />and yet i still miss you with my whole body..<br />go to hell jake.Jakubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06546903059170281569noreply@blogger.com0