retrospective introspective

oh man. it's been a while. a long while. i've just wasted a good amount of time on going through this blog and reminiscing about all the shit it chronicles. i havent posted on this thing in a year or so, and oddly enough, i always seem to return to my little corner of the internet in the winter time.
2010. it's strange to look back on that time. so much has changed, and i mean that goes without saying, but the realization really struck me hard as i was reading through these pages. my future seems to exclude all that went down. thank heavens. i think its necessary to point out (for my own benefit, obviously,) that despite the emotional pain i was put through in the summer of 2010, it was an immense learning experience, and my life is better in part thanks to it.

well i guess i gotta go do homework.
just in parting, if i ever see this place again, i want it to be up here for the record..




my life kicks ass right now. hahahahaha

the color returns..

this is fantastic. im at such a great time of my life. an angel has entered, and made it all more bearable. and fresh, exciting, fun, exhilarating.

beautiful.


not flawless.

but amazing....





i feel a constant high. an irreversible, wondrous daze; but not the synthetic, rough kind. not the kind that drains you of mental and physical faculty. one that fills you up, makes you strong and ready to live to the fullest. this is a different kind of substance; a delicate balance of atmosphere and mood and feeling that is received through the sharing of happiness.


it's all so much to take in. everytime i'm with you, i feel soaked in thoughts and tries and feelings and words. but none of these thoughts are shameful, none of the words wrong, none of the feelings in vain, and none of the tries have failed..

i count myself among the lucky individuals who have experienced purity and raw happiness. i can't tell how long this will last, but i know for sure i'm going to do my best to keep it healthy and fresh as time goes on.

you're too valuable to waste with carelessness.

(:

hello again

hmmm... so many memories in this blog. so many. it's odd, really; this blog was created as a method of coping with a troubled time in my life, something that seems so distant from the sunny todays. i hadn't posted on this in a couple months.. it's odd to come back. oddly welcoming. i know no one reads this, but it's here, and it's proud of itself. not really.

sonnet

If I can take a step towards the goal
And shake the hand of future times to come
Ignore the reservations that you stole
And take the time to see to where I run
Forget all lost emotions from the past
(Of love, the likes of which was never seen)
For all these thoughts that I’ve amassed
They take a greater toll than what may seem
You too can let your mind remain at ease
And take a square of joy for many lives
Recall what you would never want to see
And you can learn to think outside the lines
In several hours you will be with us
If you can learn to love who you mistrust

Jake Martin
12/7/10

the management

MGMT were absolutely ridiculous. November 4th was the best concert I have ever gone to. Absolutely beautiful. Haha I don't even have words to describe it. You had to be there.

FUCK OFF

an island of stupidity, again, again, again....

i will back off. why im saying this, i dont have the faintest idea, but i think i should back off. i guess i just want to jump at the opportunity at having you back next to me, and im forgetting about what matters. take from it what you will.

i will back off. i promise.

hmmm

clarity of mind escapes me. you need to get out of my head.. i think about you too much, and you always let me down. the only thing for certain at this point is that you will be a disappointment to me. youre sending me mixed signals.. its pissing me off. :(

stop. leave me alone.

distance

a current sweeps me away, a current of people, a current of thoughts, emotions, all intertwined with each other, none of which should make the slightest difference to me in my daily life.
and they dont, for the most part..

well, no, that's a lie.

when i think about it for too long, i start to realize that my brain feels like it is full of grime and dirt, things that cannot be washed away, as if a clever child, equipped with some kind of truly permanent marker, decided to scribble things all over the walls of my mind...... what?

shit i got lost in my own simile.
anyway.
....
...
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

-----

distance is key
well, not just any key
distance is practically THE key
to an apparently happier life.



ok fuck that, i just saw something that made me feel like a complete idiot.

ferget it bro

see you around, in eider dawn, at the end of the tunnel, through the door, on the other side.
or right here.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"brother you don't need to turn me away"

restrictions/restricted

stuck inside a limbo
the never ending gasp
the fallow lips of life meet the harsh sting of reality

left inside my veins
to grow and develop into life
then to travel to my heart where the process is completed

i feel trapped beneath a
beautiful layer of ice on top a creek
the puzzling surface, so light, fragile, yet constricting and scalding

starting over, not a difficult task
yet for some reason taken to the extreme
you need not apologize, or make sense for once because
that would defeat its own purpose
a “c” and a colon, is all it takes to make today seem brighter
as if the old pg pulled up in his own private sun
a false pretense
a piece of paper
a drink
laminar flow, the two words that enter my mind every time
no matter what you tell yourself, it will always be you who’s getting used

sting and love
were you erring on the side of caution?
when i make it up, and even though the future reflects itself
i have no mirror to communicate
to another man

reality melts into shapes
that do not exist in conventional geometry
the spirit leaves the atmosphere above and around
and to cut the heart, to let loneliness leave you be

it seems to make the soul happier when mine is around
and all of mine will always feel the glow within the soul
yet the other one is getting priority over all of mine and it will not let mine sleep
well, it will, but the sleep will be restless
self defeating
as is everything these days

--------

so yes, i pulled a total dumbass move today. apparently i went to get coffee with my newly adopted sister under false pretenses.

oops.

well, at least it wasnt a huge deal, just got one of those speeches. but it wasnt that bad, my parents make me happy, they are really great about stuff like that.

even though when i went to get coffee, i never thought id be getting tea instead.

----

im going to see mgmt in november, im psyched.

destrokk has the best video on the face of the planet ;D

redirect

stormy ocean water and the name of your love
started up my engine and became a white dove
over it and lost again
distracted cause youre under him

when the ethereal fist hits the smallest part
and the lifeless crystal river floats me back
to sea
to see
again

your face turns sour
and the irony thats left
turns into a flower
with the insulting speed of theft

-----------------------

a few months down the road, who knows what could happen? but if the tragedy does hit, i wont put myself so low as to remain to clean up the results.. if thats what is expected of me, then forget it.

kill me, you know you want to

your heart is under my tongue

something that has been bothering me recently is that you seem to be different. for some reason, youre like a completely new person. now, i dont know if its just now something im starting to notice, something thats been there all along; or if you really did change into something unpleasant... i hope its the former, but really i hope its neither, that im just delusional or tired or pissed off or something, because i wouldnt be happy if either were true.

but, then again, why does it matter?

----------------

theres this fucking huge disconnect that people have from reality. its like everybody is acting in such a phony and calculating manner that they dont have time to live, and to realize whats happening... looking through photos makes me think about when and under what circumstances they were taken, and i notice that usually im not there for the picture, but for the moment. sounds like a god damn cliché, but its true, i promise.

------

it is rather late. well, not really, but apparently im about as fucking tired as i can get, yet im still not asleep. i feel like a two faced bastard when i talk to her, cause i cant make up my god damn mind about, well, anything. i want these people to disappear, but at the same time i know i would have a very difficult time getting by without them. the scars that have built up over the years, the assumptions, all that crap.. i cant understand how anyone turns out alright.

build a wall, i suppose.

i dont have any god damn bricks.

-

oh wells..

welcome home, asshole

thank you. im glad to be back. and the one thing i was looking forward to the most has left me just as i return.

too bad i didnt know this would happen, or i would have probably stayed there for a lot longer. oh well.. its life and it goes on, even though an important part of it is no longer there. and, quite ironically, thats the one thing we said we wouldnt let happen. i guess when you start getting pissed off at someone for something thats not even remotely their fault, things get slightly out of hand.

and no, you dont "love me way too much"

sorry for being an asshole to you and starting to date someone while you were gone for a month...

oh, wait..

so close and even farther away

i want nothing with this
i just need to think
what i want and what i please
wont keep me in the ring

someone listens to me
they jump to help me out
but no one's ever told me, oh
just what it's all about

the wind has lost its power now you dont know what to do
the motor chokes, and i do too, and all that thanks to you
we got the strength and we got the time
stupid little fights and wasted rhyme

when the sun rose i was tired, i was fried
but then my thoughts overwhelmed me
cause i thought that i had tried
lost, and found, then torn up into pieces
sold off to all the little kids
who never could handle things like this

held up by the sturdy beams that will not ever crack
focused on the irony
and tired paper stack
im free to be as angry as i seem
tell yourself its not your fault
but you dont know what that means

you might forget yourself and i can live with that
your face is upside down and your actions defy math
but walking in without closing the door?
part of me wants you under the floor

take me in and dry the rain

half an hour till midnight.. it doesnt seem that late at all. i kinda feel like its the middle of the day, except its dark outside... i mean, the difference between midnight and midday is only 12 hours. i wonder what everything is like back home. i wonder if i will even be able to get a hold of you.. i hope so.

shes an angel, really. if there was one reason for me to stay somewhere for ever, it would be she.. this is what my face looks like just thinking about all this --> :D

hahaha, that would be fantastic.

anyway... wonderment aside, i really had a good time here. it always feel like its going to be such a long time when you first arrive, but then about half way you start to realize how fuckin fast its going.

------------------------------

and unfortunately, no matter what our mind might think, time doesnt in fact run faster.
things still manage to screw up.

i need a drill now, i suppose. i thought i wanted answers, but now i really just want a signal, some sort of confirmation that we will in fact start something. something that is genuine, because youre too wonderful to waste like that. i need you now, or at least i really want you, and right here next to me would be fantastic.
too bad your phone is broken, cause you would be receiving a call from someone at around 7pm tomorrow.

but, alas, as with everything else, all i can say is

oh well.

grass. oh, so much grass

well... tooday was an odd day. im a bit down, but my mind feels liberated, once again. and no thanks to anything, really. first half, great; second half, not so great, and im tired, but you know.. i dont really care.

tomorrow at 2 pm gmt-1. that is the time that hands itself to me and pulls me in.. when i walk through the gate. or, in other words, the time my flight leaves, or something thereabouts. im excited, although i wouldnt mind staying here a little bit longer. i got used to it and im happy here as well.

im not gonna think about what i have been thinking about recently.

--------------

there's a reason i don't win, i don't know how to begin

and that's all folks.

animatorpoeia

what was here is not here anymore
the right to wage a million dollar war
while walking in the daytime through a morgue
what we might want or need and what's in store

leaving me like that, it isn't very nice
killing someone's a sure way to break the ice
when we float on by we sing our hymnals slow

mentally and physically im strong
accused of something that i cant affect
your bible is all hollowed out to store
all of your seeds of life and stark white wrong

your diction is mysterious your eyes an open book
thank my god for will and all the time it took
a climb is not too hard when youre not used to flat ground
stupid little kids they never understand it
the sidewalk burns when i am full of madness
then it ends and i will fall forever on

priceless is the face thats on my shirt
a mirror that reflects and nothing else
were we all alone when we first met
or was it a trap
was it a trap

if i know what ive been told
take a bullet to the soul
the soul of endings that begin
we are sorry to pull you in

if i know what ive been told
took a bullet in my soul
party on and when youre thin
i am happy to do you in

-----

helloo

why not?

im jealous of all the people i see that have had a month of nothing but happiness.. i envy those whose lives arent virtually falling apart, those who havent had a month of separation that has apparently ruined everything they have worked for over the past few months. and why shouldnt it bother me? im not blaming them for my problems or anything. im happy for them.

im a broken record, i keep talking about the same thing.
but why not?
come and interrupt my tape loop, reset the cd player, and start me over, cause i want to be done with this. i hope that when i return, the commercial break will be over, finally. we can go back to normal. for now, you can ignore me all you want.

----------

the thing i would want the least, though, is for you, in the end, to come off as a hypocrite. really, for your sake, i would be careful. because the same things that you were wary of with me at first are the same things that are now disrupting our "relationship" to a great degree. i apologize to the kid before me for, to him, being the kid after me. just cause it's you, calliope, doesnt mean you get a free pass.

sharp on the edges

i made a promise, once a long time ago, or, a relatively long time ago. before i knew you were so broken as to be manipulated so easily while knowing what youre doing is wrong. the things you are telling him now are what you have been telling me all along. and if you really care for me as much as you say, if you care for me so much more than him, why is it that i feel that youve just completely exited my life? your recent writing makes me feel like i have been blind.. its just so obvious. if you have the right to do this, i have the same right. just be glad i havent exercised this yet. actually, you probably couldnt care less. only one thing left to say..

go and fucking drown in your self-pity.

the list list and tales of freefall

there are lists
to do lists
email lists
shopping lists
pointless lists
no reason
just arbitrary lists
and bucket lists
(if you're ambitious)
also
subscriber lists
roll call lists
with names
a phone book
that's a list, isn't it?
then there are lists that go on for miles
just for ever
confusing lists
lists in foreign languages
lists of instruments
lists of accomplishments
lists of places in the world
periodical table, the list of the elements

hit lists
(let's not stay too long)
and then lists like this one
pointless lists that list other lists

----

sweet.. i dont know, i mean, i was happy with it at the time, but i have a feeling that if i was to sit down right now and write it again i would have something more powerful.

or something that is completely empty of meaning.

im getting cabin fever from being here too long. im ready to go home.. not even for the reasons you think. that, too, but im not talking about that anymore, cause its no use. the air is getting heavy, even outside, even when a stiff breeze blows by.. im ready to get back into my environment, back to my life.

the discovery channel is fun to watch, cause right now its showing part of downtown houston blowing up, and its not fake either; sucks for anyone that was in that building. acetylene apparently blows up fantastically when mixed with the right amount of oxygen.. hmm, my imagination runs amok when i think about the beautiful, colorless gas mixing with oxygen at the precise place that i am right now. the flames lick the sky as my spirit is consumed in the endless, ever-expanding inferno. but that's, essentially and figuratively, what's happening right now, except my body isnt part of the burning equation....
ok so this dude is entangled in a parachute as he's falling through the air at many miles a second.. happily for him, he untangled the parachute and landed safely. another happy ending; i wonder what he told his wife that evening when she asked him about his day. hahaha