buyers beware

per suggestion i went and read your blog thing. i scrolled through a few pages, read entries that caught my eye..

but now my eyes feel like they have been murdered.

dont get me wrong, the writing is flawless. youve become so much better than you were just a few short years ago. but mirrored in those words, i can see that im the problem, just as i always have been and apparently always will be. the amount of guilt i have built up in me because of this situation is ridiculous. i feel terrible every time i am reminded of the mistakes i have made in toying with, well... us. what saddens me is that i was careless.. i can safely say i meant every word i said to you, but those words aparently didnt come with a disclaimer or a money back guarantee. or even a mail in rebate. i meant everything at the time, but saying that doesnt fix anything, of course. it wont reinflate what are now dead words. i was trying to have my cake and eat it, too, as it were. inadvertently fucking up something really important is one of my best selling features. un-fucking-fortunately.

you know, sometimes i get tired of myself. once again, it might be those little insecurities; but im usually just royally pissed off at jake martin.
i try to be kind, i try to be tolerant, im sincere in my verbal disclosures and in my actions.
but then the real world comes in to remind me how much this just cannot be true.

because theres no way the ideal jake martin would do this to anyone for any reason.

believe it or not, i think about this a lot. a lot more than is healthy, but perhaps not a lot more than i should. it comes around every once in a while to kick me in the ass, and im actually glad it does. i wish i could somehow transmit to you my feelings as far as this is concerned; maybe then you would understand that what im saying isnt just a load of crap. and by saying the word understand i dont mean you would forgive me, or even should forgive me for that matter. i want to be your friend. i want to have a good time with you. i want you around. but im not asking for another chance to prove myself to you, no matter how much i may need that, or think i need it. i know that somehow this will all come crashing down again, like it has many times before. i dont know why.

i guess its just one of those things.

also, future buyers, beware..