Sunday, June 20, 2010

so tired, soul searching

why is it that i feel so unfulfilled? dissatisfied with myself, almost to the point of wanting to start over completely. the very fact of me writing this makes me get that same feeling again. why? its like my mind is a scratched cd, stuck in its own feedback loop of sadness, regret and dissatisfaction, and it knows nothing else.

why is it that love makes me feel so paranoid?? is it a defense mechanism my mind employs when i start to feel like my life is boring and completely pointless, and i subconsciously want to add interest?? "maybe hes just pretending to be my friend", "maybe shes cheating on me", "maybe this, maybe that". my least favorite part of that whole very shitty situation is the thought that by speaking i will do something wrong, the sky will fall down, and hell will freeze over, and, therefore, i choose not to speak. bad choice.... bad choice. makes things so much more unbearable, and makes the other person feel like i dont care about them..
but it cant just be my mind playing tricks on me. some of it must be real. its the hints, the suggestions, reading in between lines that may or may not be there. eloquence is something i may have been blessed with as far as words are concerned, but my mind is as clear as mud, so to speak. i can blame insecurities; but the catch is, im not insecure about myself, my image and whatnot. that shit can disappear tomorrow, and i will deal. its something much deeper than that, as if my thoughts were insecure about themselves... its like every time i second guess myself, and then it turns out that wasnt such a great idea; its like when youre taking a test, and then get it back and see a bunch of your answers are wrong, and the correct one was the one you had before you changed it. "but i was gonna do that before i second guessed myself..." isnt a viable answer in such situations, unfortunately.

but really, at one point the answer really couldnt matter less; its the process and the result. damn consequences.

1 comment:

  1. very deep.

    i think all of us who have felt like they have been in love before and have been heart broken automatically put up a defense mechinism cause they are too afraid to get hurt again. i promise you, my friend, the wall does go on and we all jump into the water again :)