sonnet

If I can take a step towards the goal
And shake the hand of future times to come
Ignore the reservations that you stole
And take the time to see to where I run
Forget all lost emotions from the past
(Of love, the likes of which was never seen)
For all these thoughts that I’ve amassed
They take a greater toll than what may seem
You too can let your mind remain at ease
And take a square of joy for many lives
Recall what you would never want to see
And you can learn to think outside the lines
In several hours you will be with us
If you can learn to love who you mistrust

Jake Martin
12/7/10

the management

MGMT were absolutely ridiculous. November 4th was the best concert I have ever gone to. Absolutely beautiful. Haha I don't even have words to describe it. You had to be there.

FUCK OFF

an island of stupidity, again, again, again....

i will back off. why im saying this, i dont have the faintest idea, but i think i should back off. i guess i just want to jump at the opportunity at having you back next to me, and im forgetting about what matters. take from it what you will.

i will back off. i promise.

hmmm

clarity of mind escapes me. you need to get out of my head.. i think about you too much, and you always let me down. the only thing for certain at this point is that you will be a disappointment to me. youre sending me mixed signals.. its pissing me off. :(

stop. leave me alone.

distance

a current sweeps me away, a current of people, a current of thoughts, emotions, all intertwined with each other, none of which should make the slightest difference to me in my daily life.
and they dont, for the most part..

well, no, that's a lie.

when i think about it for too long, i start to realize that my brain feels like it is full of grime and dirt, things that cannot be washed away, as if a clever child, equipped with some kind of truly permanent marker, decided to scribble things all over the walls of my mind...... what?

shit i got lost in my own simile.
anyway.
....
...
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

-----

distance is key
well, not just any key
distance is practically THE key
to an apparently happier life.



ok fuck that, i just saw something that made me feel like a complete idiot.

ferget it bro

see you around, in eider dawn, at the end of the tunnel, through the door, on the other side.
or right here.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"brother you don't need to turn me away"

restrictions/restricted

stuck inside a limbo
the never ending gasp
the fallow lips of life meet the harsh sting of reality

left inside my veins
to grow and develop into life
then to travel to my heart where the process is completed

i feel trapped beneath a
beautiful layer of ice on top a creek
the puzzling surface, so light, fragile, yet constricting and scalding

starting over, not a difficult task
yet for some reason taken to the extreme
you need not apologize, or make sense for once because
that would defeat its own purpose
a “c” and a colon, is all it takes to make today seem brighter
as if the old pg pulled up in his own private sun
a false pretense
a piece of paper
a drink
laminar flow, the two words that enter my mind every time
no matter what you tell yourself, it will always be you who’s getting used

sting and love
were you erring on the side of caution?
when i make it up, and even though the future reflects itself
i have no mirror to communicate
to another man

reality melts into shapes
that do not exist in conventional geometry
the spirit leaves the atmosphere above and around
and to cut the heart, to let loneliness leave you be

it seems to make the soul happier when mine is around
and all of mine will always feel the glow within the soul
yet the other one is getting priority over all of mine and it will not let mine sleep
well, it will, but the sleep will be restless
self defeating
as is everything these days

--------

so yes, i pulled a total dumbass move today. apparently i went to get coffee with my newly adopted sister under false pretenses.

oops.

well, at least it wasnt a huge deal, just got one of those speeches. but it wasnt that bad, my parents make me happy, they are really great about stuff like that.

even though when i went to get coffee, i never thought id be getting tea instead.

----

im going to see mgmt in november, im psyched.

destrokk has the best video on the face of the planet ;D

redirect

stormy ocean water and the name of your love
started up my engine and became a white dove
over it and lost again
distracted cause youre under him

when the ethereal fist hits the smallest part
and the lifeless crystal river floats me back
to sea
to see
again

your face turns sour
and the irony thats left
turns into a flower
with the insulting speed of theft

-----------------------

a few months down the road, who knows what could happen? but if the tragedy does hit, i wont put myself so low as to remain to clean up the results.. if thats what is expected of me, then forget it.

kill me, you know you want to

your heart is under my tongue

something that has been bothering me recently is that you seem to be different. for some reason, youre like a completely new person. now, i dont know if its just now something im starting to notice, something thats been there all along; or if you really did change into something unpleasant... i hope its the former, but really i hope its neither, that im just delusional or tired or pissed off or something, because i wouldnt be happy if either were true.

but, then again, why does it matter?

----------------

theres this fucking huge disconnect that people have from reality. its like everybody is acting in such a phony and calculating manner that they dont have time to live, and to realize whats happening... looking through photos makes me think about when and under what circumstances they were taken, and i notice that usually im not there for the picture, but for the moment. sounds like a god damn cliché, but its true, i promise.

------

it is rather late. well, not really, but apparently im about as fucking tired as i can get, yet im still not asleep. i feel like a two faced bastard when i talk to her, cause i cant make up my god damn mind about, well, anything. i want these people to disappear, but at the same time i know i would have a very difficult time getting by without them. the scars that have built up over the years, the assumptions, all that crap.. i cant understand how anyone turns out alright.

build a wall, i suppose.

i dont have any god damn bricks.

-

oh wells..

welcome home, asshole

thank you. im glad to be back. and the one thing i was looking forward to the most has left me just as i return.

too bad i didnt know this would happen, or i would have probably stayed there for a lot longer. oh well.. its life and it goes on, even though an important part of it is no longer there. and, quite ironically, thats the one thing we said we wouldnt let happen. i guess when you start getting pissed off at someone for something thats not even remotely their fault, things get slightly out of hand.

and no, you dont "love me way too much"

sorry for being an asshole to you and starting to date someone while you were gone for a month...

oh, wait..

so close and even farther away

i want nothing with this
i just need to think
what i want and what i please
wont keep me in the ring

someone listens to me
they jump to help me out
but no one's ever told me, oh
just what it's all about

the wind has lost its power now you dont know what to do
the motor chokes, and i do too, and all that thanks to you
we got the strength and we got the time
stupid little fights and wasted rhyme

when the sun rose i was tired, i was fried
but then my thoughts overwhelmed me
cause i thought that i had tried
lost, and found, then torn up into pieces
sold off to all the little kids
who never could handle things like this

held up by the sturdy beams that will not ever crack
focused on the irony
and tired paper stack
im free to be as angry as i seem
tell yourself its not your fault
but you dont know what that means

you might forget yourself and i can live with that
your face is upside down and your actions defy math
but walking in without closing the door?
part of me wants you under the floor

take me in and dry the rain

half an hour till midnight.. it doesnt seem that late at all. i kinda feel like its the middle of the day, except its dark outside... i mean, the difference between midnight and midday is only 12 hours. i wonder what everything is like back home. i wonder if i will even be able to get a hold of you.. i hope so.

shes an angel, really. if there was one reason for me to stay somewhere for ever, it would be she.. this is what my face looks like just thinking about all this --> :D

hahaha, that would be fantastic.

anyway... wonderment aside, i really had a good time here. it always feel like its going to be such a long time when you first arrive, but then about half way you start to realize how fuckin fast its going.

------------------------------

and unfortunately, no matter what our mind might think, time doesnt in fact run faster.
things still manage to screw up.

i need a drill now, i suppose. i thought i wanted answers, but now i really just want a signal, some sort of confirmation that we will in fact start something. something that is genuine, because youre too wonderful to waste like that. i need you now, or at least i really want you, and right here next to me would be fantastic.
too bad your phone is broken, cause you would be receiving a call from someone at around 7pm tomorrow.

but, alas, as with everything else, all i can say is

oh well.

grass. oh, so much grass

well... tooday was an odd day. im a bit down, but my mind feels liberated, once again. and no thanks to anything, really. first half, great; second half, not so great, and im tired, but you know.. i dont really care.

tomorrow at 2 pm gmt-1. that is the time that hands itself to me and pulls me in.. when i walk through the gate. or, in other words, the time my flight leaves, or something thereabouts. im excited, although i wouldnt mind staying here a little bit longer. i got used to it and im happy here as well.

im not gonna think about what i have been thinking about recently.

--------------

there's a reason i don't win, i don't know how to begin

and that's all folks.

animatorpoeia

what was here is not here anymore
the right to wage a million dollar war
while walking in the daytime through a morgue
what we might want or need and what's in store

leaving me like that, it isn't very nice
killing someone's a sure way to break the ice
when we float on by we sing our hymnals slow

mentally and physically im strong
accused of something that i cant affect
your bible is all hollowed out to store
all of your seeds of life and stark white wrong

your diction is mysterious your eyes an open book
thank my god for will and all the time it took
a climb is not too hard when youre not used to flat ground
stupid little kids they never understand it
the sidewalk burns when i am full of madness
then it ends and i will fall forever on

priceless is the face thats on my shirt
a mirror that reflects and nothing else
were we all alone when we first met
or was it a trap
was it a trap

if i know what ive been told
take a bullet to the soul
the soul of endings that begin
we are sorry to pull you in

if i know what ive been told
took a bullet in my soul
party on and when youre thin
i am happy to do you in

-----

helloo

why not?

im jealous of all the people i see that have had a month of nothing but happiness.. i envy those whose lives arent virtually falling apart, those who havent had a month of separation that has apparently ruined everything they have worked for over the past few months. and why shouldnt it bother me? im not blaming them for my problems or anything. im happy for them.

im a broken record, i keep talking about the same thing.
but why not?
come and interrupt my tape loop, reset the cd player, and start me over, cause i want to be done with this. i hope that when i return, the commercial break will be over, finally. we can go back to normal. for now, you can ignore me all you want.

----------

the thing i would want the least, though, is for you, in the end, to come off as a hypocrite. really, for your sake, i would be careful. because the same things that you were wary of with me at first are the same things that are now disrupting our "relationship" to a great degree. i apologize to the kid before me for, to him, being the kid after me. just cause it's you, calliope, doesnt mean you get a free pass.

sharp on the edges

i made a promise, once a long time ago, or, a relatively long time ago. before i knew you were so broken as to be manipulated so easily while knowing what youre doing is wrong. the things you are telling him now are what you have been telling me all along. and if you really care for me as much as you say, if you care for me so much more than him, why is it that i feel that youve just completely exited my life? your recent writing makes me feel like i have been blind.. its just so obvious. if you have the right to do this, i have the same right. just be glad i havent exercised this yet. actually, you probably couldnt care less. only one thing left to say..

go and fucking drown in your self-pity.

the list list and tales of freefall

there are lists
to do lists
email lists
shopping lists
pointless lists
no reason
just arbitrary lists
and bucket lists
(if you're ambitious)
also
subscriber lists
roll call lists
with names
a phone book
that's a list, isn't it?
then there are lists that go on for miles
just for ever
confusing lists
lists in foreign languages
lists of instruments
lists of accomplishments
lists of places in the world
periodical table, the list of the elements

hit lists
(let's not stay too long)
and then lists like this one
pointless lists that list other lists

----

sweet.. i dont know, i mean, i was happy with it at the time, but i have a feeling that if i was to sit down right now and write it again i would have something more powerful.

or something that is completely empty of meaning.

im getting cabin fever from being here too long. im ready to go home.. not even for the reasons you think. that, too, but im not talking about that anymore, cause its no use. the air is getting heavy, even outside, even when a stiff breeze blows by.. im ready to get back into my environment, back to my life.

the discovery channel is fun to watch, cause right now its showing part of downtown houston blowing up, and its not fake either; sucks for anyone that was in that building. acetylene apparently blows up fantastically when mixed with the right amount of oxygen.. hmm, my imagination runs amok when i think about the beautiful, colorless gas mixing with oxygen at the precise place that i am right now. the flames lick the sky as my spirit is consumed in the endless, ever-expanding inferno. but that's, essentially and figuratively, what's happening right now, except my body isnt part of the burning equation....
ok so this dude is entangled in a parachute as he's falling through the air at many miles a second.. happily for him, he untangled the parachute and landed safely. another happy ending; i wonder what he told his wife that evening when she asked him about his day. hahaha

the rule of holes

being exhausted physically and mentally makes me feel like on really strong drugs, with the difference that i dont feel boundless. its kind of like being in an open minefield, where you could go anywhere, but you also know that your next step will throw you up into the air. the mines, in my case, are the things i say late at night when im in my state of being emotional and hopeless. one misstep will throw the whole fucking planet up in glorious flames, and my world will only exist in the hostile iciness, yet boundless freedom of interstellar space. i will be set into motion and drift forever, on past stars and planets, until i will be brought right back where i started, since space bends in a way that's impossible to imagine.. i could float and let the current take me where the water's crystal clear.

the time and effort put into this is still worth it, but so far i have been getting a slap in the face and an apology all at the same time. i told you i would wait for as long as i had to, and i have.. and yet you ask me if i thought you would stay sober in dating. i honestly dont know what to say to a person who has simultaneously acted incredibly loving and incredibly ungrateful. i suppose the paradoxes and ironies are what make you so interesting, but at the same time, cool it. i'll wait and stay here until this blows over, because, apparently, thats all im good for: waiting and being there for you. peace out man.

-----------------

line break, DUDE!

honesty is a handicap, i understand that.
a standing ovation, just tip your hat.
and that
that, my friends,
is how it ends.

maybe we can be like a pair of contrasts!! i'll still be what i am, you stay the course. of course, of course.. stop while youre ahead, my dear. you know what the rule of holes is?? when youre in one, STOP DIGGING.
return to me, for a little while at least. i would appreciate it if you could tell me what happened, or at least made an effort to make things like they were. at the end of this, i think that one of us is going to be fucked over, and i really hope its he rather than i.

oh, and, for the love of god, stop digging.

one inch at at time and you'll be just fine

your heart is gold, and im honored to be able to witness and be one of those affected by it's pure glow. thank you.
im surprised how people's opinions of one another can change so drastically depending on their situations. it's kinda sad really, because it says something very deep about human nature or whatever.. or about myself, par exemple. i guess i always have the same feelings about people, no matter what happens. my apparent change in feelings is most likely caused by the fact that circumstances change.

and thats unfortunate.

i dont want you out of my life at all. i want you to be a part of it as much as possible. you are one of my support beams, and i have been unfair to you in the past.. and that's an understatement.

-----

step by step is on. i love old american sitcoms dubbed into the czech language.
it's kinda funny, for all different reasons than the original.

im kinda sad today turned out the way it did.. i really wanted to go chill with Klára... dammit, i have failed once again. i dont know why this kind of stuff happens to me so much. perhaps it's because i let it get to me much more than other people do. anyway..

facebook, formspring, and livejournal will all be the emotional death of me, sooner or later. is it like the coin thing i wrote about earlier, where we assign deep, artificial meanings to things that dont matter that much?

it's annoying to realize that whatever you mean apparently contradicts all you write about on livejournal or formspring.. how can i make up my mind if you give me the pretty truth up front, and all the rest of the unabridged crap is hidden away in your figurative turns of phrase, that i can freely read and make my own, hopefully false, explanations? thanks to these kinds of methods of communication, we have lost an element of honesty and, to an extent, the meaning of things we shouldnt know about. in an age of subtly dropping hints that make huge differences, we dont speak anymore, and only derrive our own meanings.; if i need to know something, i can go to LJ or FS for my answers, which is honestly a load of bullshit.

also, you didnt answer my melodramatic message from last night. i need to pace myself or you really will stop caring about me..

dun dun dun duuun

pretty much

.. well my mind is running on empty now. im waiting for you. come on now, you can do it; assuming you even want to talk to me, that is. or if you could care less..

the question is on the tip of my tongue, the answer lies in my mind, yet i am terrified to hear it coming out of your own mouth, undeniably confirming all my doubts.

it makes me miss people that i can count on. it really does..

and it makes me remember that i thought you were one of these people as well.
i was wrong??

pretty much

----------

yawn.

spiders

the music video for "lullaby" by the cure brings to mind michael jackson's is this it from hell.

sparkley

turns out the only thing that can calm me down isnt a cigarette or a few fat bowls. i have writing of course. which is why ive been writing maniacally for the past 30 minutes.

my dad wants to have a bonfire for all my friends to come over and have a good ol time. i love my friends, but im afraid if i invite them all over, a huge fight will break out over some nonsense.. thats why i love my friends ;)

im shaking. not cause of nicotine withdrawal or whatever, just cause im really fucked up on my own condition right now. which makes me sad in a way. however self pity is a boring topic, so lets switch to something else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

you know how people binge-eat or binge-drink?? well fuck them, im binge writing. hahahhaha saying that makes me feel really stupid and sound pretensious.

my mental muscle is getting stronger, im glad the brain isnt a muscle and that thoughts dont produce lactic acid, because the pain of that would SUCK.

why does this bother me more than it should? or am i perhaps setting my standards too low?

or, on the flip side, am i setting them too high? sure seems like it from my vantage point. your kind of behavior is BO-RING.

and yet i still miss you with my whole body..
go to hell jake.

hey hey hey

click click click, goes the keyboard. and my thoughts.. the incessant clicking noise in my mind is throwing my sanity out of the thousand story window that is my left ear.

maybe i should catch it? nah.. its not going anywhere. do i fool myself into thinking im actually insane? that sounds.. insane.. hah.

late night conversations and deep thoughts are at fault here.
half the summer's gone, and i feel like i blew another chance.

boo hoo.

maybe, and here's a thought, things crumble because i assume its over too soon?
yeah? anyone?? answer me for gods sake, if you cant take a second to look at me, at least answer with a simple ONE SYLLABLE WORD!

... but which one will it be?

hey hey hey

the amateurs we once were

the music you make with every delicate move
the sound of your voice as it carries through
my day and on
past the worries caused by others
into a perfect world
whose perfection lies in the fact that no one wants to
make it perfect
i lie here in a position that reminds me
of the one time we have shared
secret, sacred, but not very special
not at all, on the surface
but, see, in my mind, it is only you
hard to believe, but at the same time
completely obvious
your worried, lovely face
brings a smile to my own
when the sight of you is all that fills my mind
for weeks at a time
it gets to be normal
it is never tiresome, just like the old friend you always know will be there
even if he has always been there, the spring in your step
the harmony to your melody
the catch to your fall
and dependency is an important thing for anyone
for there are apparent reasons things change
but they change for reasons that arent very apparent at all
it is unfair to claim that nothing matters
because it does
it is unfair to claim that life isnt fair
because thats just restating an apparent fact, and making it sound new
unused
clinically clean
with no blood on its hands, not
stained to the bone with the ruby and silver
essence of life
and essence of the end
ultimately the time will come
and its not really worth remembering things that have happened
that weren't worth it, even at the time
the bad things make me want to remember the happier ones
for even though every coin has two sides
it is still one coin, and doesnt determine anything
besides the fact that the eternal geometry of probability
is still in order
and the fact that we love to assign meanings to things in our minds
the only thing that has really stayed that way over the years
for ultimately it will take somebody to throw
the rock into the fire of lies
and a tree will grow, for that rock was actually a seed of new life
that takes root in the
scalded ground
and the smell of your hair stays forever
and ever
for the sole reason that forever truly is
a very long time
and in the end, will it matter?
yes
count the times you said your goodbyes
and lived for nothing else but
the next chance to crush another being
or be a beam for them
support through the rain and thunder and love
and not fail until your breaking point
which wont be for a long time since you are made of good quality material
your snapshots of life
and family
will return
your handshakes, oh the handshakes that have seemed so petty at times
and the conflicts, they remain
think about it
but not too much
and think about what you say now
for ultimately the time will come for us to say hello
but this time for real
this time we will mean it


------------------------------------------------------------------

odes written to sing praise are like losing your thought half way through the sentence....

i want to sleep in space tonight.
i want to color the stars with the pure spirit of sincerity and integrity.
i want to lose my mind
and find it again
i dont want to come back to what will sure be all my fault
AGAIN

if i could forget, i wouldnt choose to do so.
my three wishes would all go to waste
along with my three fishes.
poor little guys.

i want to sleep with you on the roof of love and strawberry starlight
till the dark sun eats the people whole,
its full stomach consuming all of their dreams and fears
and belches shadows and doubts, and their reciprocal equivalents

i want to lose my mind for one last time
to see what its like
to finally be free

random nerve movement

heart beating fast. faster than that, faster than just saying it makes it sound. you say i have saved you from yourself; is this the reward? loss of self control, "mistakes", apologies, half of the truth?



thank you.

no, really


THANK YOU SO MUCH.


i dont know if you have the decency to say "youre welcome"

optician that

beep boop

im in a funny mood, as usual. today was amazing. the sight of you makes my heart cry with joy.. hahaha

lady gaga needs to shut up, commerical music makes my heart cry with sadness and disgust... whatever though.
hmm so i want to write, but there isnt anything to write about really.. or there is but i dont feel like it.

there will probably more from me later.. im almost certain.

au revoir for now

the oil, so much oil

haha, honestly the BP disaster in the gulf is so sad its almost comical. this should be made into a fairy tale for little children; you know the ones that teach a lesson, like "treat others the way you want to be treated", or "dont steal, or you wont finish school, and you will end up as the ceo of a multi billion dollar company"? yeah, well this one should be about

DONT CUT CORNERS
DONT DISREGARD YOUR PEOPLE
DONT BE ARROGANT

and above all

DONT BE STUPID

im actually quite disappointed that the above things didnt come off as powerfully as i intended them to, but i will be left satisfied with knowing that i myself know exactly what im talking about, and whoever else really cares to know will surely find the meaning buried deep inside the wealthy soil of wording that doesnt make any sense.

"all tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent" -- thomas jefferson

thats a brutal way to put it. and fitting, because the situation is brutal.

oh and remember "drill, baby, drill"?? HAH

----------------------------------------------------------------

not much else to add..

i write for my soapbox
i write forever
ill write till my heart stops
to give me a lever
it keeps me focused and keeps me quiet
in writing i create my own silent riot
i would give anything
my body to defend
my need to write now
to write till the end

studená koupel/cold bath

haa bap bap bap oooo

words give a clean slate, no matter how skewed or biased they are. even the most unclean, corrupted words serve as a clean slate. a fact of what has been said.

human minds exist to interpret things. therefore, once words enter the mind, they are contaminated by the prejudices and general process of evaluation that goes on in the individual mind. this is the first step in one way that things in peoples' personal lives can get unbearably hard to handle.

word recycling. hmm... what an interesting concept; or at least it can be. other than the fact that writing about it creates a need to use a lot of unnecessary punctuation, this is the second step in the misinterpretation concept. the altered raw material (words) are being said again (recycled), but in their contaminated state. adding adjectives and embellishments for dramatic effect also helps this process along.

recycling, pt 2. yes, its the same thing as above.. but more so.

lather, rinse repeat. yeah.

and there we go. its a self reiteraing process, so obvious it almost seems geological. its like the equation for resistance in a series circuit; the more you have, the worse it gets.

anyway.. i just accidentally described a rumor chain..
what a neat little theory that at least reads scientifically.

and that, folks, is how the world falls down.

five more

five more..
five more till i get an answer
five more till i can roam freely
in my mind and physically
five more till the pressure fills my ears
five more till the beginning of the end

its only five
and i was under the false impression that the number of eternity was either 0 or infinity
never 5
i was wrong, perhaps
i guess
as the rain falls
and birds sing
(so fuckin loud)
thats how life goes

slowly

five more
five more till i get my hands on gold
five more till it burns them
five more till the beginning of the end
but the end has already begun
five more days across the salty sea
five more days take control of me
five more nights till i can be free
and another five nights till we can be we
five more days
just

five more..

so tired, soul searching

why is it that i feel so unfulfilled? dissatisfied with myself, almost to the point of wanting to start over completely. the very fact of me writing this makes me get that same feeling again. why? its like my mind is a scratched cd, stuck in its own feedback loop of sadness, regret and dissatisfaction, and it knows nothing else.



why is it that love makes me feel so paranoid?? is it a defense mechanism my mind employs when i start to feel like my life is boring and completely pointless, and i subconsciously want to add interest?? "maybe hes just pretending to be my friend", "maybe shes cheating on me", "maybe this, maybe that". my least favorite part of that whole very shitty situation is the thought that by speaking i will do something wrong, the sky will fall down, and hell will freeze over, and, therefore, i choose not to speak. bad choice.... bad choice. makes things so much more unbearable, and makes the other person feel like i dont care about them..
but it cant just be my mind playing tricks on me. some of it must be real. its the hints, the suggestions, reading in between lines that may or may not be there. eloquence is something i may have been blessed with as far as words are concerned, but my mind is as clear as mud, so to speak. i can blame insecurities; but the catch is, im not insecure about myself, my image and whatnot. that shit can disappear tomorrow, and i will deal. its something much deeper than that, as if my thoughts were insecure about themselves... its like every time i second guess myself, and then it turns out that wasnt such a great idea; its like when youre taking a test, and then get it back and see a bunch of your answers are wrong, and the correct one was the one you had before you changed it. "but i was gonna do that before i second guessed myself..." isnt a viable answer in such situations, unfortunately.


but really, at one point the answer really couldnt matter less; its the process and the result. damn consequences.

identity erases things

well..... here i am, sitting down in a dark room at some unknown hour past midnight. its nothing new really.
i want to write about something, but i really dont know what to put down; i mean, i have ideas, but none of them fit this moment, writing about them wouldnt be right.

so, until we meet again...

adios

maybe

its late. im tired. coincidence? i think not.

the birds are chirping outside, cause it gets to be daylight really early here. im talking to you. it makes me happy, even though we arent saying much.

i want to write, but its not working very well; i guess the fact that im not thinking clearly is contributing quite heavily to that.
what a fun time.

i enjoy being here, its amazing to see people change so much yet stay exactly the same. magical, wonderful. i would write about the rest of my week, but no one wants to read about that and i already know what its gonna be anyway.. no point in writing it here.

and im just TIRED.

316.
may the force be with you.

buyers beware

per suggestion i went and read your blog thing. i scrolled through a few pages, read entries that caught my eye..

but now my eyes feel like they have been murdered.

dont get me wrong, the writing is flawless. youve become so much better than you were just a few short years ago. but mirrored in those words, i can see that im the problem, just as i always have been and apparently always will be. the amount of guilt i have built up in me because of this situation is ridiculous. i feel terrible every time i am reminded of the mistakes i have made in toying with, well... us. what saddens me is that i was careless.. i can safely say i meant every word i said to you, but those words aparently didnt come with a disclaimer or a money back guarantee. or even a mail in rebate. i meant everything at the time, but saying that doesnt fix anything, of course. it wont reinflate what are now dead words. i was trying to have my cake and eat it, too, as it were. inadvertently fucking up something really important is one of my best selling features. un-fucking-fortunately.

you know, sometimes i get tired of myself. once again, it might be those little insecurities; but im usually just royally pissed off at jake martin.
i try to be kind, i try to be tolerant, im sincere in my verbal disclosures and in my actions.
but then the real world comes in to remind me how much this just cannot be true.

because theres no way the ideal jake martin would do this to anyone for any reason.

believe it or not, i think about this a lot. a lot more than is healthy, but perhaps not a lot more than i should. it comes around every once in a while to kick me in the ass, and im actually glad it does. i wish i could somehow transmit to you my feelings as far as this is concerned; maybe then you would understand that what im saying isnt just a load of crap. and by saying the word understand i dont mean you would forgive me, or even should forgive me for that matter. i want to be your friend. i want to have a good time with you. i want you around. but im not asking for another chance to prove myself to you, no matter how much i may need that, or think i need it. i know that somehow this will all come crashing down again, like it has many times before. i dont know why.

i guess its just one of those things.

also, future buyers, beware..

its the same

its not like im dissatisfied or sad or unfulfilled or whatever.. im not, by any means, any of those. but its just that sometime i get the remote feeling that you dont care.
but those words arent appropriate do describe exactly what im feeling either... its difficult to describe, for me at least.

the trouble is, i know you do care. i think its mostly my mind playing tricks on me, my insecurities carefully prodding me as if to say, "hey, we're still here you dumb shit".. i dunno. perhaps its that. analysis ties my tongue, or rather my mind as it flows through my fingers in this case, which means the further i get into my thought process, the more i cant realize exactly what im trying to say. im tired.... that may have something to do with it as well.

in other news, i miss calli and shea and austin. its been a while, but if ive already gone this far, i can wait another thirteen days. i already have these visions of what im gonna do.. its summertime, and, im not gonna lie, im excited. excellent times are waiting to be had and created and whatnot.

peace

hello there

its morning here. i made a blog. i joined the movement. ive forsaken my life to this thing now.

youre welcome.

(: